My Master was grumbling his way through creating a PowerPoint presentation, so I wandered out to the living room where the vibes were calmer and the TV was on. I circled around in front of the TV a couple of times before I settled down and focused my attention on the screen…

"Hello. My name is Joe Rogan, and this is Fear Factor Four. Each week, we pit four CEOs against one another in four events for $4,000. Only one of the CEOs will walk away with that $4,000 prize, so sportsmanship and mind games are definitely encouraged.

"Let me introduce this week's contestants: Larry Ellison from Oracle, Scott McNealy from Sun Microsystems, Steve Ballmer from Microsoft, and Lou Gerstner from IBM. Welcome, gentlemen!"

ALL: Thanks, Joe.

JOE: Lou, I have to say that you seem a little older than these other guys. Do you think your age will be a factor in this?

LOU: Not at all, Joe. Standing at the helm of IBM has kept me young in mind and in spirit. These young punks don't stand a chance against me!

JOE: Those are fighting words, Lou. Do any of you have anything to say to Lou?

STEVE: Bring it on, Lou! Just bring it!

SCOTT: We're going to make you feel your age, Lou. You're going to walk away an old, broken man!

LARRY: Your database sucks, Lou!

JOE: Er . . . I'm not sure what that means, Larry. Okay, let's get on with our first event. We call this one the "Techno Terror." Here's how it works: You will be locked in a room with a VCR. You will have 1 minute - that's 60 seconds - to set the clock on that VCR. Oh, and one more thing: You will have no instruction book to help you! Are you ready for this?

ALL: Yeah!

JOE: Steve, you have been selected to go first. Good luck, buddy!

At this point I must have snoozed for a few minutes. When I woke up the event was clearly over.

JOE: Congratulations, gentlemen. You have all cleared our first event. Lou, I must say that you were awesome in this event - how did you do that so quickly?

LOU: Well, Joe, I just randomly pushed buttons, and I guess I got lucky!

JOE: You the man, Lou - you the man. Now let's move onto our second event, the "Mouse Mountain." Each of you will lie in a box and be completely covered by mice. You will have to lie there for 4 minutes. Do you understand?

LARRY: Real, live mice, Joe?

JOE: No, actually we will be using computer mice for this event. Our insurance company wouldn't let us put you guys at any real risk.

STEVE: What kind of computer mice, Joe? Are they all Microsoft mice?

JOE: We have a selection of mice - some Microsoft, some Logitech, some IBM, some Kensington.

STEVE: Ummm, I don't know if I can do this Joe.

JOE: You can opt out at any time, but if you do you will be disqualified and forfeit your chance for $4,000. Why don't you think about it, Steve? You have a few minutes because Scott gets to go first this time.

Again I must have dozed for a minute or two. When I woke up Joe was talking to Steve. Steve was looking pale and had a worried look on his face.

JOE: Okay, Steve. It's crunch time. Are you going to do this or not? You can quit if you want to, but if you do, you're walking away from $4,000 dollars. That's a lot of mice, my friend.

STEVE: Get a grip, Joe. I have more money than that in my pocket.

JOE: The clock is ticking, dude. I need your decision.

STEVE: Okay, I've decided. I can't bear the thought of being covered with non-Microsoft products. I'm afraid I'm going to have to quit.

JOE: Okay, Steve. If that's the way you want it. There's the door - you can head on out now. Okay, gentlemen, that takes us down to three. And speaking of three, are you all ready for the third event?

ALL: Yes!

JOE: We call our next event "Bug Brunch." Each of you will have to eat software bugs that appeared in shipping versions of your products. The number of bugs will be determined by the slip of paper you draw from this hat. Lou, you get to go first. Reach in and pick a slip. Okay, now open it.

LOU: It says "one."

JOE: Then you will have to eat one bug, Lou. Scott, your turn. Okay, now open the paper and show us what it says.

SCOTT: Oh man! It says "ten." I don't know if I can do this!

JOE: Larry? Your turn, man.

LARRY: YES! It says "zero."

JOE: You lucked out Larry, you don't have to eat any bugs. But Lou has to eat one, and Scott has to eat ten.

SCOTT: I really don't know about this.

JOE: You don't have to decide just yet, Scott. Lou, you get to go first. We have printed out all the bugs that appeared in your last release of OS/400. All you have to do is reach in, grab a slip of paper, and eat it. I must warn you: They are printed on recycled paper, so they probably won't taste very good. Ready, Lou?

LOU: I'm ready - here I go.

I watched as Lou reached into a bowl and grabbed a small piece of paper. He pushed the paper into his mouth and masticated it for a few minutes. He swallowed just as face was starting to turn green and sweat was beading on his forehead.

JOE: Lou! Okay, open your mouth and let me see. Good work, Lou! How did that taste?

LOU: Nasty. Very dry, very bitter.

JOE: Okay, Scott, it's your turn. Ten bugs - you have to eat ten bugs found in the last release of Solaris.

SCOTT: I don't know if I can do this Joe. Besides, I'm not sure this is fair. As far as I know, we didn't have any bugs in the last release of Solaris, so this must be a setup. Did Bill Gates put you up to this?

JOE: No, man, this isn't a setup. These bugs came from your own product support team, Scott. This is completely legit.

SCOTT: I don't believe you. This whole game is rigged! This is a conspiracy masterminded by Bill Gates to make me look bad! I am out of here!

JOE: Okay, dude. You can leave through that door over there.

SCOTT: Don't tell me what to do you pissant pawn of Microsoft! I can leave any damn way I want!

JOE: Whatever. Well, Lou, Larry, this brings us to our final event. The winner of this event will walk away with a cool $4,000 in his hand. Are you ready?

ALL: Yeah!

JOE: Our final event is an endurance contest. We call this one "Suffering in the Face of Ignorance." Each of you will be locked into a room full of normal people talking about computers. The one of you who stays in there the longest without making a sarcastic comment will win! Larry, you're the first up for this final event. Are you ready?

LARRY: I'm ready Joe!

JOE: Okay, just follow our man here, and he'll lead you into the room.

I watched as Larry walked into the room and sat down. He carefully smiled and nodded at everyone and then seemed to put himself into a Zen-like trance. I watched the timer on the screen advance from 1 minute to 1 minute and 30 seconds. And then suddenly Larry jumped up and started sputtering something. The show handlers quickly rushed in and pulled him out.

JOE: You lasted a minute and a half - pretty good, Larry. But what happened? You seemed to be doing so well, and then you sort of lost it.

LARRY: Well, someone in the room started talking about using Microsoft Access as a database. Joe, Microsoft Access is NOT a database. I just had to set him straight.

JOE: Okay, well, Lou, all you have to do is beat 1 minute and 30 seconds. Think you can do it?

LOU: Piece of cake, Joe. As easy as porting Java programs between IBM platforms.

JOE: Er . . . whatever, Lou. In you go!

Lou walked into the room and calmly sat down. He smiled and engaged in polite conversation. I watched as the timer clicked up to 1 minute and 31 seconds. At that point the show handlers flung up the door and pulled Lou out.

JOE: Lou! That was amazing! How did you do that!

LOU: Well, Joe, to tell you the truth, I don't really know anything about computers, so I fit right into the crowd.

JOE: Awesome! You're our big winner Lou. You're walking away with $4,000! What do you have to say about that?

LOU: Wow! Now I can finally retire!

JOE: Great, Lou. Fear is obviously not a factor for you. Join us next week to see Hewlett-Packard's Carly Fiorina, Dell's Michael Dell, Compaq's Michael Capellas, and Intel's Craig Barrett square off for a chance at $4,000.

As the credits began to run, I faded off to sleep once again, dreaming of a world where executives of major computer corporations make fools of themselves in public - a world very much like the world we live in today.

Astro is a border collie with more than 35 dog years of data processing experience. During the day, he provides technical support to his master, Sean Chandler, who is a multiplatform computer and networking consultant. At night, Astro chases cats, sleeps on the off-limits couch, and dreams of a world where CDs are edible. You can reach Astro at schandler@as400network.com.