Industry Association Supports V6R1

(Lake of the Woods, Minnesota) The National Association of System i Tech Yammerers (NASTY), holding its national convention here on a leaky houseboat, was arrested en masse this morning for attempting to smuggle David Letterman into Canada. Fortunately for the group, just before the raid, NASTY released by satellite its technology report for 2008. This year's report is titled, "Bottom Ten Reasons to Adopt V6R1," which are as follows:

10. We'll never have to install V5R5.

9. We have a new excuse to group sing "I Left My Heart in SAN Francisco" at the next office party.

8. V6R1 will automatically delete that PACMAN game we can't get rid of that's been running in restricted state since 1989.

7. We can claim we were encrypting our backup tapes all along.

6. If we can virtualize some of our partitions, maybe we can save enough time to take a day off.

5. Storage Space Snap Shots might give us some techie photos to run with our Facebook accounts.

4. We can run clustering on our single machine and pretend we're a big shop.

3. Reduced license prices for DB2 Web Query will let us afford to have all our programmers access the databases.

2. We won't have to call it i6/OS just because it upgraded.

1. We can milk the required "existing program" conversions to get us off the hook for producing that new application for at least two extra weeks.

System i Bumper Stickers!

Now you can own a bumper sticker that proclaims your love of your favorite system. There are three slogans available with this initial offering:

"I (heart) My System i"

"Born Again System iVangelist"

"My Other Computer is an AS/400"

For more details, see systeminetwork/aprilfool/nonesuch

Grudge Report Publisher to Release New Feature Film

Harrigan Media Productions, publisher of The Grudge Report, announces summer release of its first feature film, The iGrudge.

In a spooky city resembling Tokyo, an overworked System i server dies surrounded by a powerful rage, and a curse is born. The curse is activated whenever a program crashes. Those who encounter it are consumed by its fury and are unable to reboot. After a late-night call to the help desk, sinister powers are unleashed, strange noises occur, and the snack machine stops working. Will they live to see the dawn?

The cast is made up entirely of unknown actors to give the film a fresh look, according to studio mogul H. Rex Harrigan. "Actually, we didn't want anyone to recognize us," an anonymous cast member admitted at a drunken street party following the press conference.

After seeing a preproduction version, movie critic Gene Siskel was quoted as saying, "I've been dead for a while, but this one really keeps me up at night."

Internet Chain Letter from Palmisano Surfaces

Several eagle-eyed readers have forwarded to us the following Internet chain letter promoting the System i to new users. Is it legitimate? We can only hope.

Hello Everyone, Here at IBM we have just completed the brand-new model 599 of our System i. In order to determine whether there is enough public interest to pursue a marketing campaign, we have decided to track the number of forwards that this e-mail message receives. Please forward this to everyone you know, and if it reaches 1,000 people, IBM will actually put some money behind marketing it. And also, just as a bonus, anyone who forwards this e-mail will receive a free version of V5R2 (we have a few spare copies) and $1,000 in Monopoly money. But most importantly, you might be able to save your beloved System i from oblivion.

Your friend, Sam Palmisano

P.S. If you don't pass this on to at least 599 people in the next 10 minutes, something terrible will happen to you, just like these sad folks:

Bob, an IT security officer in Topeka, deleted this e-mail, and his computer was struck with a terrible virus, causing a security breach that resulted in Bob being fired.

Tim, a small-time programmer in New Delhi (he was on assignment), did not forward this e-mail, but instead just left it in his inbox. He was crushed to death by a falling mainframe, which was tossed from a nearby window, narrowly missing the garbage bin but unluckily falling on poor Tim.

Please forward this to all of your friends. Remember, if you break the chain, you'll get seven years of compliance violations.

Grudge Report Editor Questions V6R1 Adoption

System i IT directors, let's get real! What's all this brouhaha over V6R1? I just don't get it. Sure, the new features are nice, but so are ALL the new features anytime ANY piece of software upgrades. Does that mean it's worth making some poor schlep work all weekend installing an upgrade? Oh, I see, it's OK because the poor schlep isn't YOU! Does that mean it's worth a month of working out incompatibilities with the other software you're running? Good luck with that!

Who needs V6R1? It's just a speed bump on the way to V7R1, which is bound to be much better anyway. Even IBM'll be admitting that a year or two from now, see if they don't! In fact, they'll be begging you to believe it. Then, the story will be all about how inferior V6R1 is and how you need to adopt V7R1 right away. "We're going to be dropping support for V6R1 next week anyway," they'll say. Do you doubt it?

All those new features don't matter anyway, who needs them? Storage Area Network support? SANs have existed for years, just get some networking hardware! You want i5/OS on a blade? You don't need it, grow a beard! Virtualization enhancements that let partitions share resources? Don't use LPARs in the first place, and you can use your whole disk anyway, no sharing needed!

Multiple operating systems? When I started in this business, one OS controlling the entire system was good enough for everyone! Running more than one OS is just a bunch of Platform Correctness. You need to make some programmers toe the line! (And just because your system managers are Jonesing for Linux experience doesn't mean you have to let them push you around and give it to them does it?)

Systems Director Navigator? V6R1 still includes iSeries Navigator. Just use that! Your staff already knows it! That's called a "zero learning curve." Duh, you should try it, it's economical. Oh, you say, it's just the company's money, not yours? Well, I don't see no Jacuzzi in YOUR office, bub. Try putting the money my advice is going to save you into something important, like stress relief!

Web services technology? How long have the gurus been preaching SOA to us? Two years? Three years? Five? Seen anyone adopt it without a ton of headaches? That's called "a sign," people!

Upgrade your OS just because there's a new version? What are we, slaves to Fashion Week? "The calendar changed numbers, must be time to make ourselves miserable upgrading again?" Next thing you know, people will stop wearing ties to the office!

So just take my advice; don't even bother with V6R1. V7R1 is already on IBM's radar, why not put it on yours? Save yourself some time and wait for the good stuff!

Yours truly, HARDBOOT HARRY.

Readers Shovel It Back to Us

Harrigan: ENOUGH! I've had it! I'm tired of living in an iCommunity, calling my iFriends on my iPhone, which competes for ear space with my iPod. How narcissistic can technology culture get? All this preoccupation with a personal pronoun is leading us straight down the tubes into the gaping iMaw of iHell. Do we really have to love ourselves that much? Even IBM, a stalwart of a greater generation, has fallen prey to this "me" fad. They called their product an iSeries, only to "improve" it by calling it a System i!

If we want to save ourselves, we need to start showing some concern for others. Here you go, friend, use my uPhone. Did you check your uMail? It's about uBM's latest System u model.

Do you feel what U'm saying? The revolution begins with u and i.

Frustrated in Rochester

Correspondent Eudora Baudot's Technology Report

I was taking a tour of IBM last fall. Mark Shearer gave me a very interesting explanation of the System i. What a fascinating machine! "Hey Mark," I said, "that machine looks pretty awesome, but how can an average programmer like me get my hands on one of those overpriced, undersold beauties?" "Oh, just head to the gift shop; you can buy the instructions there," replied Mark. So, off I went. When I asked the gift shop cashier if I could buy the instructions, she replied, "Sure, just one-fifty." Well, the joke was on me when I got my credit card bill for one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Lesson learned, but now I'm getting my revenge. Folks, pass on this recipe for building your very own System i — just as good as the ones you buy in the store. Take that, Mark!

You will need:
1 desktop computer casing
15 boxes of tinker toys
Nuts and bolts as needed
1 Radio Shack disk drive
1 can black spray paint
1 box aluminum foil
Solder and soldering iron
(optional) software and instrumentation as needed

Instructions:

1. Using the tinker toys, construct a server capable of supporting TIMI and DB2 and whatever OS you will be using. Make sure that your System i can support client-server-based technologies such as ODBC and JDBC. Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts and bolts here. Don’t forget to include your disk drive, too!
2. Using your aluminum foil, solder all of your nuts and bolts to increase sturdiness.
3. Put your newly formed structure into your desktop casing, and spray paint it to give it that “just purchased” look and smell.
4. Make one last check of everything, and you're ready to program! Now start enjoying your very own System i and all that it will add to your life!